TEA

« Tea was once a good drink; with lemon and sugar it tastes very pleasant. But then the British decided to pul cold milk and no sugar into it. They made it colourless and tasteless. In the hands of the English, tea became an unpleasant drink like dirty water, but they still call it "tea".

Tea is the most important drink in Great Britain and Ireland. You must never say "I do not want a cup of tea" or people will think that you are very strange and very foreign.

In an English home, you get a cup of tea at five o'clock in the morning when you are still trying to sleep. If your friends brings you a cup of tea and you wake from your sweetest morning sleep, you must not say, "I think you are most unkind to wake me up and I'd like to shoot you!" You must smile your best five o'clock smile and say, "Thank you. I do love a cup of tea at this time of morning." When your friends leaves the room, you can throw the tea down the toilet.

Then you have tea for breakfast; you have tea at eleven o'clock in the morning; then after lunch; then you have tea at 'tea-time' (about four o'clock in the afternoon); then after supper; and again at eleven o'clock at night.

You must drink more cups of tea if the weather is hot; if it is cold; if you are tired; if anybody thinks you are tired; if you are afraid;before you go out; if you are out; if you have returned home; if you want a cup; if you do not want a cup; if you have not had a cup for some time; if you have just had a cup.

You must not follow my example. I sleep at five o'clock in the morning; I have coffee for breakfast; I drink black coffee again and again during the day; I drink strange and unusual teas (with no milk) at tea-time.

I have these funny foreign ways ... and my poor wife (who was once a good Englishwoman) now has them too, I'm sorry to say.» (How to be an alien - George Mikes)